The Sapient Ape

Life as an employed MBA grad during an economic recovery. DISCLAIMER: Everything written here is fiction.

Masturbation, Self-promotion, or Flagellation?

flagella

Flagellation

Here it is — my “Why did I start a blog?” post.  Or did I do that one already?  Today, since  I hit 145 hits on this blog in a single day, I’ve decided its time to try and answer that question.

So, why is it that I started this blog?  Was it a desperate cry for attention?  A thinly veiled attempt to garner some sympathy from my peers for my current predicament (which actually ain’t so bad!)?  Am I trying to get a job?  Or do I just have a big ego?

All of these could be true.  And probably are, to varying degrees.

A couple of months ago, my sister, mom and I were having our usual daily family spat, when my sis said to me, “You know you really have a problem with showing us that you care about anything.”  That very poignant truth caused in me a lot of self-reflection.

To many of you, what she said may sound like the opposite of what you know about me.  I seem so emotionally colorful, always smiling and shit.  Good ol’ “Mr. Party!”  Always down for a drink and a laugh, right?  “Hey we want to do something totally banal and surface-level?  Lets go out and get wasted with #####.”  But thats just the superficial side of me.  My public persona.

In reality, I am extremely bad at displaying emotions that really matter to me.  Showing vulnerability is my ultimate vulnerability.  One of the negative aspects of being an emotionally empathetic person is that you leave yourself open to pain.  That’s why nowadays I’m more emotionally apathetic than empathetic.  I may act emotionally in the moment, either in happiness or sadness, rage or anger, but it has become hard for me to really let myself feel deep emotions — especially if they impact me negatively in the long-term.  I just end up… not caring.  Whether its a family fight, a girlfriend, or a job — if its gonna hurt me, I turn the dial straight to the “don’t give a shit” channel.  Making snide comments?  Don’t give a shit.  Screw me over for someone else?  Don’t give a shit… and never did.  Don’t wanna hire me?  Well fuck, I never wanted to work for you anyway.

Does that make me sound superficial?  Hmm, well should I really get into this here?  Nah lets leave the psychological self-diagnoses for another post — it’ll be more interesting that way anyway (and I can milk it — you don’t know how tough it is to keep thinking of “interesting” topics).  The point here is that I’ve developed a self-defense mechanism, where something that really mattered to me before, ceases to do so as soon as it has the potential to hurt me.  Which, although it has its advantages, has taken the passion out of my life somewhat — and I want that passion back.

I’ve realized that caring about stuff, or even hurting about stuff, is what gives it value (“Stuff” Valuation 101, people — we all took it!).  I feel like I’m walking around these days literally an emotional shell, not feeling anything — and although that may save me from pain and other negative emotions, thats not necessarily the best way to go for me, personally.  I need that passion back to feed the fire that drives.

So here it is, my blog!  My semi-lame attempt to give people some insight into what actually is feeding my fire — insight into what I give a shit about — or the fact that I give a shit at all.  Of course, actually vocalizing these emotions to real human beings would probably be the best way to go.  But shit, you gotta learn to take baby steps before you can [finish this cliche].

Speaking of baby steps, my sister just had one (a baby), and I gotta say his eyebrow arches are mine.  I see my furrowed brow in his.

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Filed under: Personal, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , ,

5 Responses

  1. Naheed says:

    Did you read my mind while we were at lunch today? Uncanny, I just wrote something similar but privately in my journal not in a blog…every time something happens that has the potential to hurt me I turn it off by the force of sheer will power (oooh am so strong!) but the end result: am fretful, sleepless, harder yet weaker for being less able to feel. The passion’s gone.

  2. jacek says:

    Speaking of hits, did you change the prefix in all you mysql tables from the original wp_ to something else, preferably something random. If not I would really recommend it, there are bots that basically scour the web for wordpress blogs in order to post random spam info etc… that’s why I moved to blogger with my MBA blog as it eventually ate up all my bandwith even though I had comment posting approval on.

    If you want I can send you a wp security whitepaper – it can help.

    I think I’m also moving to WP finally from blogger though, I find it to be very limiting. new address http://the.lavida.me.uk – should be up by the weekend.

    Peace homes, hope all’s well.
    – j

  3. Not Caring says:

    I know how you feel, man. Like the other day when it was my birthday and you didn’t send me an email or post a note on my wall even though stupid Facebook lists your friends’ birthdays right on the front page, I was all like, “Yeah, whatever, I don’t give a shit. ##### is a fuckin jackass anyway.” But, in actuality, I was hurt and sad on the inside. So, yeah, I totally see where you’re coming from. Haha…

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