The Sapient Ape

Life as an employed MBA grad during an economic recovery. DISCLAIMER: Everything written here is fiction.

Babies are the new speed.

baby arnold

Watchoo Talkin' 'Bout Willis?

For men, babies suck.  They make shit loads of noise and crave attention from women, which they get without even trying by just making a stupid face or gurgling.

Kids somehow, I can deal with more, coz at least the relationship’s somewhat multidirectional.  Don’t get me wrong — I’m not a baby-hater  — I’m just jealous coz I want all that attention myself, dammit!  But seriously its more like I’m not drawn to them by the cute factor — not a single bit — and other than that they just make incoherent noises.  Kids a bit older, you can fuck with their heads a bit (I’m sick), but babies don’t know wtf is going on.

I need my children like my video games — interactive.  With lots of shit flying around and blurry lights and stuff.  Not some goo-goo gaa-gaa thing lying on its back like an overturned tortoise, flailing its arms and legs wildly.  Laaaaaaame.

But its interesting that most men probably feel like I do, until they are fathers, or when their own genetic heritage is at play.  At that point, their previous disgust and general eww-ness towards babies turns to a rapturous love affair with the-now-object-of-their-love-and-affection for a good two or three years, at which point the normal dad reverts to not caring and or engaging the child till he’s a teenager and the angst…

Well lets just leave it at that.

But yeah, men and babies.  Its quite simple, really.  Its all biology, isn’t it?  From a biological standpoint, men exist at the basest level SOLELY to pass on their genes.  However, over the millennia, male humans (and probably other animals as well, mammals particularly) have, through natural selection, evolved a genetic predisposition to care for their young as soon as they are born.  Too protect the young and not stray from the mother.

Why?  Coz if you believe in natural selection, males who had this trait were more likely to care for their young.  That trait got passed on to the little ones.  Those offspring were more likely to survive due to better parental care, and that trait was passed on.

If you think about it, its quite amazing how much we are still ruled by our biology.  Granted, perhaps some of us more than others.  But for me personally, I think that my ultimate reason for being is to pass on my genes.  Shallow?  Perhaps.  Untrue in today’s world?  Perhaps.  But to this day, genetic heritage is the closest we as human beings have come to immortality.  And I guess I’m afraid of dying.

Right here, I’ve really intellectualized my reason for wanting to pass on my genetic code by blaming it on my fear of death.  But perhaps, at a baser level, the chemical reactions driving my need is much… well… baser.  Its just my biological clock telling me.

“Hey, psssst.  You’re gonna die soon.  Better get on with it and make a baby or something.”

Which I guess is the same thing, ‘cept in version A I’m in control of my decision-making, and in version B its all predetermined by biology.

I don’t want anyone to worry too much tho — I’m not gonna have any babies any time soon — I have to screw up my sister’s kid first — I mean fix him, fix him… THAT’s what I meant.

And oh yeah — babies are the new speed.

They keep you up all night, make you mumble incoherently, and something else I forgot.


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3 Responses

  1. Abeer says:

    i just saw “a long hot summer” (with smouldering paul newman) and there’s a riff in there with an old southern dad type preaching immortality through procreation. i don’t get it. i mean i’m as egomaniac as the rest, but i don’t particularly care (intellectually/emotionally) about passing my genes on. i only care about my own self being appreciated.

    i do get the biological bent (no one’s who read “the selfish gene” could not). and sorry, you can’t really separate versions A and B, haha. it’s all B, baby (sic).

    • Sapient Ape says:

      well maybe babies are the idiot’s means to self-appreciation.

      like most people aren’t going to be immortal as in go down in history so “eh, fuggit, maybe my descendant will someday.”

  2. Mike Reda says:

    OK…even though procreation won’t ever happen for me outside of a laboratory or a miracle, I’ve always felt that adoption, while worthwhile and noble and necessary, is SO not for me. I’ve always felt strongly that if I ever was to take the trouble to raise a kid, he (or she) would have to be sprung from my own loins…otherwise, what’s the point. We ARE hard-wired to pass on our DNA…even me: the gayest Gay who ever gayed.

    Having helped to mold my “step-son” over the last 8+ years (he’s now 14 and an amazingly smart, funny, kind, and athletic young man), I can see that I’ve actually taught him a lot and have had some small influence in making him into who he is, which is a pretty rewarding feeling. Even though he’s not “mine” biologically or legally, I feel that part of me will live on in him. On the flip side, thank GOD he’s been in boarding school all this time except for summers and holidays! I don’t think I would have survived full-time step-parenthood. Thank you Milton Hershey School!!!

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