What is true love… does it even exist?
I thought I had it once, long, long ago. But then I lost it, because I was too immature to be able to hold on to it. Coz I took it for granted. Coz I treated it as a right instead of a gift. Eh… my loss what do you care, right?
But if thats what it was, it was an amazing thing. I often regret not having the balls to hold on to it when I had the chance. But I was too young and stupid… keep your love locked down, like Kanye said. You can tell he’s someone who’s gone through what I have — the loss of true love — I mean to be egotistical enough to put out a whole album about your past relationship you HAVE to be in a lot of pain. Or maybe you just have to be Kanye.
I wonder if I’ll ever find it again. I’ve come close, but at 32, I’m starting to really wonder. Coz you see, for real love, you need to trust someone completely. You need that innocence, that willingness to share everything about yourself, and that willingness to give up everything that’s important to you, including your life, for the other person. That’s what I had and that’s what I lost. These days, trust is a difficult thing for me…
When I was younger, there was always a lot of love in my family, but also a lot of anger. It was a roller-coaster on which we’d ride every day, my sister and I. It made us very extreme when it came to our emotional reactions to people and things. We’re quick to love and quick to anger. And when we feel, we feel very, very deeply. We care a lot, we hate a lot. Everything is a lot. There’s no “eh” with us. Our blood flow is liquid passion.
Even now, I feel things so deeply, but I just don’t show them. I pretend like I don’t care, like they don’t affect me. Maybe I’ll even convince myself sometimes. But I know they’re there, those emotions. Deep down inside, they just linger. The anger, the love. Sometimes I can’t tell the difference. Do I like angry sex or caring sex? The answer is yes.
The trust is the toughest thing to recover. We’ve been betrayed when it comes to parental relationships — we were promised that love would overcome all, but the divorce happened anyway. So how could we ever trust that a relationship would last, when our parents fell apart before our eyes? How could we ever believe in love, when love didn’t last?
But still, I’m not going to give up. I still believe that she is out there… just waiting to be found by me. Its tough, coz every time I meet someone, I put them up on a pedestal they do not belong on, or that they don’t deserve to be on. And then they feel the pressure, and I get disappointed.
But one day, things’ll change. I’ll find someone who’s up to the challenge. There are 3.5 billion women on this planet — one of them has to be nuts enough to be able to handle me… and vice versa. After all, if my crazy sister can do it, why not me?