The Sapient Ape

Life as an employed MBA grad during an economic recovery. DISCLAIMER: Everything written here is fiction.

You live with guuuuurrl?

So — living with a girl — pros and cons.


Seriously tho I’ve been looking for apts, and I’m just wondering whether I could live with a girl.  Actually I’ve done it twice.  The first time was with Helen (yay Helen!) and that turned out pretty damn well, but she was a pretty chill person, and came with great recommendations.  We hung out a lot, and she took care of me when I first moved there and introduced me to her friends etc., etc.  In fact I became better friends with her friends than SHE was. I stole-ded them. We even shared a bathroom (I tried to keep it clean!), but since our place was pretty old school, it wasn’t the most spit-shined bathroom I’ve ever seen.  Plus we had a maid, which was KEY!

Snausages at my phat-ass crib in B-lona

Snausages at my phat-ass crib in B-lona

The second time was with Mel, and that was also a great experience.  It was three of us in that one place, and we were like fam.  We had sausage fests (with Vienna sausages — the eating kind, you pervs).

So how about with a “stranger” girl?  I am going to look at an apartment on Sunday which is pretty sick… its like a two level condo in Columbia Heights.  However, its with a girl.  I already FB-stalked her (lern2hideprofyle) and she seems pretty chill.  And the place is big enough that we won’t get in the way of each other.  Is it too much to just want to live like a real human being?  Like to live in a nice place?  I’m too old for this shit.  There looks like there’s space for my 50 inch TV which is all that matters, right?

Anyways, I think I could handle it — of course I’d have to stop walking around the house naked like I like to do with my male roommates — no more air-drying myself in the living room.  And I’d probably have to learn to be less flatulent.  Hmm… no more lentils or related legumes.

And of course I feel kind of intimidated ‘coz I’m not as awesome as I once was… no longer MBA student with stars in his eyes and the world in the palm of his hand, ripe for the plucking.  Meet damaged goods, with renewed Oedipal complex and not a lot of money.  I went from “the world is mine” to “the world is mean”.

So lets actually try to list the pros and cons:


  1. Hot friends.
  2. Likes to cook/eat.
  3. Is clean/cleans (don’t everyone start yelling at me — its true — girls DO like to clean more).


  1. More anal-retentive.
  2. The walking around naked thing.
  3. Can’t have loud sex (this shouldn’t be a problem for me as in order to have loud sex, one must be having sex in the first place).
  4. All my friends will try to hook up with her.

Filed under: Roommates, , , ,

The Unnerving Search for a Roommate

Ahh roommates.


It’s scary looking for a roommate.  No one wants to be in an uncomfortable living situation for what could turn out to be a 12 month-long torture session.  Back in the days when I was a successful professional in the Big Apple, I used to live alone… and I loved it!  I often swore to myself that I’d never go back to living with people.  Privacy is paramount in a city like NYC, where space is a very, very precious commodity, and one’s living room is usually the neighborhood bar.

Then came grad school… and living with roommates again.  My first year experience was interesting.  Although I like my former roommates  a lot, I must say I won’t be living with them again and vice-versa.  I mean I’m kinda prone to being really loud and obnoxious in the middle of the night when I get wasted and come home.  I would say that’s one of my worst  traits as  a potential roommate.

But on the flip side, I’m very caring, and I can cook real good!  And I love to do it.  I am good to talk to and often give advice which isn’t wanted, and if I do get mad, its never for longer than like 4 hours or something.  However my roommates didn’t really want advice, or any social interaction whatsoever, and most of our time was spent in our rooms — I mean I know I have a high sex drive, but what were THEY doing?!?!

Second year, I found roommates more my speed — one of them slept like a rock, so I could scream as loud as I wanted and he’d be like, “What?  I didn’t hear anything last night.”  And my other roommate heard, but just giggled insanely.  And then woke me up at 2am on other nights to do shots.  Which I did without any complaint.  Living with them only strengthened our relationship, which is the way it should be.

That was a great living experience, and I’ve had some other great roommate living experiences, such as in China with Helen, and back in undergrad with Mike G., Amaury, Gabs, and Felix (although great is a relative term there, as I’m surprised I made it out of my undergrad experience with only a broken nose and bruised brain).  But always I knew the people beforehand, or someone I trusted wholly had spoken for them.

So here I am again, waiting for my next roommate experience.  I don’t think I can afford a place on my own right now, with DC rent being what it is.  Its surprisingly expensive, and unlike NYC, not being downtown really kills your access to the social scene.  I want someone like me — outgoing, social, but with a sense of responsibility and professionalism.  Hahaha.  OK just outgoing and social!

So I’m doing the worst possible thing for roommate searching — muthafuckin Craigslist!!!!  CL can be a scary place to search for living beings in.  Inanimate objects I’m OK with — you can always throw ’em in the trash.  But you’re stuck with a roommate.  No turning back once they show up in your room at 3 in the morn and shove their hairy…

Well you get the picture.

So anyone got any tips for roommates?  Someone should make a website for potential roommates to meet and hang out with each other and stuff.  Now there’s a business idea.  Someone develop a business plan, let’s do this.

So again — tips for finding roomies?  Success stories?

Filed under: Roommates, , , , , , ,